Help is valuable and appreciated, but it should never be imposed. Even with assurances that everything is under control, stepping in without consent can create tension in a relationship and undermine trust.
A similar, very personal situation was shared by a user on the subreddit AITAH, where the husband thought he was being helpful, but his actions caused tension in the marriage and made the situation harder for the wife.
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Lack of trust
The OP was responsible for running the household entirely on her own, from cooking, cleaning, caring for a 4-year-old, and handling the 5-month old’s night feedings. Her husband, meanwhile, was looking for jobs, so his involvement in daily chores was minimal. Despite this, she managed to keep the household running smoothly and keep everything afloat, so that the husband won’t get stressed either and can focus on his job hunt.
But despite her efforts and reassurance that she was able to manage fine, her husband invited his mother to come stay for a month to help her. She wrote, “Despite me taking 95% of the domestic load so he can work, he has been insisting his mom (MIL) come stay with us for a month to help out because he’s “worried I’ll burn out.”
Most importantly, he went forward with the decision without reaching any conclusion or consulting her, disregarding her boundaries and undermining her authority in her own household.
“I told him repeatedly: I don’t need help. I am doing great on my own and incredibly happy to have my own space to parent again,” the Redditor remarked.
As a way to cope with her husband going over her head and to reduce feelings of being underappreciated, the Redditor stopped going the extra mile and left chores for her husband, which she previously handled all by herself.
“I’ve bent over backwards to support him so he wouldn’t feel he needed to step in to help and he’s basically signaled that my effort isn’t enough. I’m so resentful that I’ve stopped going the extra mile. I cooked dinner last night but left a massive pile of dirty dishes for him. I figured if I’m “burning out” and “need help” so badly, I might as well stop doing everything,” she reasoned.
To set her boundaries and assert her place in her own household, she adopted a very drastic, but essential measure, stepping back from doing extra chores, to remind her husbandof his responsibilities. The conflict is deeply rooted in a misaligned senseof judgment and trust. While she has shown her capacity to hold the ground, her husband’s perception of her burning out shows a lack of confidence which can be detrimental for any relationship as trust is the foundation. So it shows that even any support you may provide, as a partner, needs to be mutually accepted rather than forced.
Reactions
The commentors empathised with the situation, sharing their honest take.
“Call her up and cancel ‘I’m sorry that husband misled you, but we’re not having visitors for a while. Thanks anyway.'” One user suggested taking control and cancelling the mother-in-law’s visit, revealing the importance of asserting autonomy in your own house, especially if you are the one running the household.
A majority of the reactions focused on the concern that the mother-in-law’s visit would likely make things worse for her, creating extra work rather than easing her workload. In fact, it may even undermine her authority. One wrote, “MIL will create more work for OP. Maybe hubby should run home to mama since he clearly didn’t learn how to be a good husband or parent (it’s too late now, btw).”
Another agreed, “Bro literally does nothing around the house, and he wants to take on less? Also, having his mom there isn’t a help, it’s just an extra chore for you.”
Others called out the husband’s attitude, highlighting his tendency to mansplain and disregard her concerns: “Why is this man so intent on mansplaining motherhood/housekeeping? You have told him you’re fine. The fact he seems to completely ignore your words and feelings pisses me off.”
One also pointed out his self-serving goal, “Dude just needs to admit he misses his mummy.”
What did the Redditor do?
In an update, she revealed that she had a conversation with her husband, making him understand how he was projecting his work stress onto her.
Healso admitted that he actually did not trust her fully.
“He insisted that the help is not just for him but also for me because he admitted he doesn’t fully believe me when I say I am able to manage on my own, that I have said that in the past and then needed help (nothing major, he is referring to some incidents here and there),” the Redditor wrote. “Basically, he doesn’t completely trust my judgement. A problem for another time, I suppose. He apologized for saying that though and consequently making me feel like nothing I do is enough.”
She later explained the daily routine to her husband and wanted to understand where his mother could help, to which the husband came to the realisation that she actually did not require much help, just occasionally with babycare. After this, the OP made it very clear that he would have to take on some of her chores too, like cleaning after dinner, tidying up the house, and doing laundry.
And when his mother arrives, she will take care of the husband’s chores, while the wife will only manage the kids’ routines. But instead of understanding, the OP revealed he got ‘annoyed’ and that he is doing it out of spite, but she did not back down and thought it was only fair to ask for equal involvement in household responsibilities, especially after her space will be invaded with the mother-in-law’s arrival.
Note to readers: This report is based on user-generated content from social media. HT.com has not independently verified the claims and does not endorse them.
This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice.
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