Saturday Night Live‘s Donald Trump shrugged off his administration’s incomplete release of the Jeffrey Epstein files, from which he scrubbed his name so he could put it all over Washington, D.C.’s landmarks.
In his year-end White House address, Trump (James Austin Johnson) said people have been asking why his name is now on the exterior of the U.S. Institute of Peace and the John F. Kennedy Memorial Center for the Performing Arts down the street.
The answer lies with the problem that just won’t go away: his ties to Epstein, the dead sex offender and his former pal.
“I say it’s because we had to take it off of so many files,” Trump admitted, as the Justice Department is dragging its feet about the process. “Epstein—redacted! We had so many ‘Trump’s in there, we had to put them somewhere, you know what I’m saying? I love to say ‘redacted.’ It’s my second-favorite r-word.”
Later, Trump mentioned how he is planning an athletic event for next year called the “Patriot Games,” in which high school athletes from each state will compete against each other for the country’s 250th anniversary.
“Because I thought, ‘What’s the best to distract from the Epstein files? I know: invite a bunch of teenagers to my house,’” he said. “I’ll take ‘things a pedophile might do; for $1000, Alex.”
“They’re saying, ‘Sir, you’re doing Hunger Games, and you know how that book ends.’ And of course I don’t, because book!” he continued. “I don’t like to read, and frankly may not be able to anymore. We’ll be looking into that very shortly.”
On that note, several of the Epstein files his administration has provided cannot be read, with some pages being nothing but blacked out lines. But Trump didn’t see anything suspicious.
Turning to a monitor, the president showed one such page that was selectively edited.
“‘Trump…didn’t…do…nothing…bad,’” he read, before moving on to another. “‘Trump…does…smash…but…not…like…wrong…kind. The end.’”
“See, it’s all there,” he said proudly. “Can you believe it?”
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