It’s been quite a year for Kimmel since the last time he met with advertisers on the Disney upfront stage. Most notably was last year’s Kimmel media firestorm, when Disney temporarily benched the late night host in the wake of threats from the Trump administration. On Tuesday, he returned to the upfronts, opening with the crack, “I didn’t think I’d see you guys again either!”
“I’ve been through so much bullshit this year, it actually made me appreciate this bullshit,” Kimmel said. “You see, in order for ABC to pull you off the air, you have to throw a chair at your Mormon boyfriend!”
(That wasn’t the only “The Bachelorette”/Taylor Frankie Paul crack. “As for us at ABC, except for all the domestic violence movie we’re really great!”
But first, a few more thoughts on his clash with the White House. “Yes, the President has tried to get me twice over the last six months. That’s one way to look at it. Another way, you can also say I’ve generated unparalleled engagement across a variety of platforms.”
He continued, “Largely thanks to our partners in Washington, we are up 25%. it’s a good deal to have the numbers go up nowadays. With that said, if Johnny Carson woke up one day with my ratings, he had gone straight under the sink and took all the Draino.”
Kimmel noted that the controversies over the past year cost the “company a lot of money, billions. It is very possible that no employee in the history of any company has cost their employer more than hiring me, 24 years ago. Just from a purely mathematical standpoint, that was the worst personnel decision in the Disney Corporation. Not even the captain of the Exxon Valdez did more damage.”
He joked that it would help if the audience would kick in a bit — and then he sent his sidekick Guillermo into the crowd to collect some funds.
On to the Disney cracks: “Since I started ABC, I’ve had three CEOs: Bob, Bob, Bob and Josh. Josh’s last name is pronounced ‘D’Amaro,’ as in, ‘all the shows you saw earlier will be canceled tomorrow.’”
Disney has already been heavily promoting the fact that it will air the Super Bowl on ABC for the first time in 21 years (along with ESPN). “This will be the first Super Bowl on ABC in 20 years, and we are going to mile the bejesus out of it,” Kimmel said. “We are going to spend the whole year promoting the already most popular thing and as if the country isn’t already divided enough, we put the game on Valentine’s Day.”
Remember this year’s MAGA fury over halftime star Bad Bunny? Kimmel cracked, “let me tell you what the halftime show this year is going to be. The whitest shit you’ve ever seen. Goodbye Bad Bunny. Welcome back, O-Town!”
Kimmel, who appeared on “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert” on Monday night along with his fellow hosts, noted that “CBS is turning 11:35 into a leased time slot, ‘least’ as in, ‘least likely to offend the President — with a rerun of ‘Comics Unleashed’ from 2007 featuring Paula Poundstone and Andy Dick. Poor Stephen. It’s bad enough to lose your job. Imagine getting replaced by the owner of the Weather Channel.”
Time to mock the competition — which he admits isn’t as fun in this era. “I am rooting for CBS. They’ve got a lot of great returning shows, and they’ve got some great new shows. ‘NCIS: New York’ answers the question, ‘what if LL Cool J partnered up with another white guy in a different city?’ They have ‘Einstein,’ a show about Albert Einstein’s grandson who solves crimes. You know, they were supposed to release that one last year, but they pushed it back because they needed time to figure out who the Einstein was that decided to make a show about Einstein’s grandson solving crimes.
“And they’re also doing ‘The Price Is Right at Night.’ Now, on the nighttime version, instead of a flat screen TV, the winner gets a BJ in the alley behind the scenery.”
Kimmel noted that NBC took over as the No. 1 broadcast network this year, but asked, “are you allowed to brag about being No. 1 when you had the Olympics and the Super Bowl? Only if you have them again next year and you don’t. NBC picked up ‘Chicago Fire,’ ‘Chicago PD’ and ‘Chicago Med.’ Seriously, is someone at NBC fucking the mayor of Chicago?
Then it was Fox’s turn in the hotseat: “Meanwhile, poor Fox was in last place again, and their big plan to turn that around is a remake of ‘Baywatch. This is a show for those who watched the first 11 seasons of Baywatch and thought, ‘but that can’t be the whole story!” Michael Thorn, the president of Fox said the new ‘Baywatch’ will bring the California dream to a whole new generation of fans with fresh stories they can masturbate to.”
Besides the “Bachelorette” cracks, Kimmel also had more to say about his ABC bosses: “‘Dancing with the Stars’ is hotter than your grandma’s underpants in a Michael Buble show… Young people love ‘The Rookie.’ And you know, why? Don’t actually ask me why this is happening. This is like funny like how teens love Triscuits.”
After that, Kimmel made a few more jokes about the ad business, and ended by joking, “Now that’s it for me, probably forever!”
But before it was over, Kimmel brought out his 11-year-old daughter, Jane, as surprise guest to introduce a musical performance by Olivia Rodrigo.
Kimmel has recently once again been in the Trump administration crosshairs, as the President and First Lady after both called on Disney to fire the host over a joke he made prior to the White House Correspondents Dinner (and the alleged attempted shooting at the event). Kimmel’s “expectant widow” joke made before the event centered on the president’s age and the likelihood that the younger First Lady will outlive him. (It’s a joke, Kimmel noted, Trump continues to make himself.)
With the Trumps demanding Kimmel’s cancellation, FCC chairman Brendan Carr saw an opportunity to punish Disney by opening up the company’s broadcast licenses for “early renewal” talks. Carr, who continues to weaponize the agency to take on critics of Donald Trump, claimed that the investigation was about Disney’s DEI practices at the eight ABC stations, but most experts noted how disingenuous that argument is. Carr’s actions have even earned him rebukes from his own party (including Sen. Ted Cruz).
It’s been quite a year for Kimmel since the last time he met with advertisers on the Disney upfront stage. Most notably was last year’s Kimmel media firestorm, when Disney temporarily benched the late night host in the wake of threats from Carr. After a few days, and much rallying from his fans (and supporters of the First Amendment) Kimmel returned to air and delivered a sharp monologue about all that had transpired. During this most recent Trump attack on Kimmel, Disney smartly kept its mouth shut and didn’t respond or react to the noise.
variety.com
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