Belle Burden’s ‘Strangers’ highlights financial red flags for women

“Strangers: A Memoir of Marriage” is a book about betrayal, heartbreak and loss. But for women, the financial lessons in it are paramount.

In her bestselling memoir, author Belle Burden recounts the deeply personal dissolution of her marriage after her husband admitted to an affair and left her abruptly in the early days of the Covid pandemic.

Although Burden and her husband lived a lavish lifestyle, with homes in both Manhattan and Martha’s Vineyard, she wrote, an ill-advised change to their prenuptial agreement in the days before her wedding left her with no claim to the wealth they had amassed over two decades of marriage. Although Burden was born into a prominent and wealthy family, she wrote that, at the time, she had no income of her own.

Like many women, Burden, a lawyer, had sidelined her career to care for their children and support her husband and the demands of his job at a hedge fund in New York.

“We had made an unspoken bargain: he would work all the time and I would take care of the kids all the time,” she wrote.

According to Burden, under the terms of the couple’s prenuptial agreement, only the assets in joint name would be split, including their primary residence and their second home on Martha’s Vineyard, which she had purchased and put in both of their names. His earnings over 20 years would not be subject to division.

By her own admission, Burden had not heeded the advice of her lawyer, who had cautioned against this agreement at the start.

During their marriage, Burden wrote, she was not involved in their day-to-day finances and didn’t appropriately plan for the possibility that the relationship could end.

“I hadn’t protected myself, when I had chosen comfort over conflict, not knowing over knowing. I had put myself there, one decision at a time,” she wrote.  

The book has attracted a lot of buzz — and some criticism, particularly around Burden’s financial disengagement.

“I still see a surprising number of people who have blinders on about the financial aspects of their marriage, at all levels of income,” said Elisabeth Salvadore, a partner specializing in family law at Brinkley Morgan in Boca Raton, Florida.

Winnie Sun, co-founder and managing director of Sun Group Wealth Partners, based in Irvine, California, also likens this common pitfall to having a “blind spot.” “The real cost isn’t what you don’t earn … it’s what you don’t see,” she said.

“From a planning perspective, that’s why visibility matters,” said Sun, a member of CNBC’s Financial Advisor Council. “Transparency in a marriage needs to include knowing where the money is and how it’s titled,” she said. “Being a stranger to your own family’s finances … it rarely feels like a problem until it suddenly is.”

Even in households where both partners work, women often take on the bulk of the caretaking responsibilities, research shows, and experts say many marriages still adhere to traditional gender roles when it comes to men taking the lead on financial matters. 

“I’ve worked with so many amazing women who say, ‘I handle everything … except the investments.’ And I always think … you’re already doing the hard part,” Sun said. “Learning how financial assets work, asking questions, staying involved … that’s where long-term growth can begin to happen.”

Some personal finance education at an early age can be key to avoiding these issues later on. Many studies show a direct correlation between financial literacy and long-term financial health.

“It’s crucial for individuals, even in stable long-term marriages, to have at least a basic understanding of household finances, including access to accounts such as bank accounts and retirement accounts, awareness of assets and debts, and involvement in major financial decisions,” said Kelly Davidzuk, managing partner of Stange Law Firm in Clayton, Missouri.

At the very least, “make it a habit to open the mail and review all monthly statements, including mortgage, car payments, credit card statements, and cell phone bills, and maintain a watchful eye,” Davidzuk said.

Experts often recommend routine “financial date nights” as a way to engage with your partner and discuss savings goals, big expenses and future plans.

“A money date is a structured financial check-in that you build around something fun,” said Sheila Schroeder, author of “It’s Time to Talk: A Woman’s Guide to Navigating Money Conversations.”

“Walk and talk, go to a cute cafe and have coffee and a piece of cake. Just make sure you’re doing them at least once a month,” Schroeder said. 

Prenuptial agreements, which can safeguard individual assets such as retirement accounts, real estate and investments, may also cover how a partner is compensated for leaving the workforce to care for their children.

At the start of a marriage, “communication is so important and having an agreement, whether it’s formal or not, about how money is going to be earned, how money is going to be saved and how will expenses be paid for,” said Salvadore.

Many financial experts also advise keeping some funds separate so each partner retains some ownership and control. “I’m a big fan of the ‘yours, mine and ours’ approach to handling your money,” Sun said, referring to the practice of having a joint account for shared household expenses, while maintaining individual accounts as well.

“Money is financial independence, but it can also give you financial mental peace of mind,” Sun said.

Ultimately, Burden wrote, she and her husband reached a settlement: She would keep the New York apartment and the house in Massachusetts while he retained his earnings and assets and would pay child support. 

Burden went on to write her bestselling book, and reports say she recently sold the rights for a film adaptation — starring Gwyneth Paltrow — to Netflix.

Burden’s publicist did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

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